User talk:Jackhammer100
Welcome Hi, welcome to Creepypasta Wiki! Thanks for your edit to the Bare Skin page. Please be sure to check out all the Site Rules, as it is important to follow them. Failure to abide by them may result in your account being blocked. Read some new pastas by checking out or browse by topic by checking out the Genre Listing. Please leave a message on my talk page if I can help with anything! Likferd (talk) 12:40, January 21, 2015 (UTC) Re:: We have the writer's workshop for this exact reason. (Helping new users get feedback before trying to post their stories onto the main site where they are subject to quality standards. Starting with the smaller things: "It was always the same" is improperly titled. It should be "It is Always the Same" (You use "is" as you are indicating an event that is ongoing. It also is improperly capitalized.) Avoid starting sentences with conjunctions: but, because, and, as it gives the story a choppy/uneven flow. Story issues: First off, why is this teen climbing up the mountain? (You state it is to join his friends, but later: "but he was starting to think that the entire thing was just a prank.") First off, you need some explanation there. Why does he believe they are up the mountain? Why does he think it's a prank? (Have they done this before?) You mention twice that they are eyeing him strangely. Both times it is mentioned as if it is a new thought: "In the morning, he woke up to them eyeing him strangely." and "They kept eyeing him strangely, without taking a single bite out of their own food." There should be some variation there if you are going to re-state that thought. "May god have mercy." Who is saying that line? Is it the protagonist, the narrator, the mother at what she is about to do? "The mother stabbed his shoulder over and over again. He coughed out blood and sunk into the snowy ground." Typically when someone coughs up blood it is due to an injury involving their lungs/respiratory system. (Coughing blood from being stabbed in the shoulder makes little sense.) The child seems happy at the boy's impending death "She looked happier than anyone he'd ever seen.", but the mother seems to indicate otherwise "Is this good enough for you?" The mother snapped..." The story also feels incredibly rushed, especially the ending. "Another traveler given a comfy cottage to stay at, then stabbed and buried in (inside?) a tree. The next morning, they would always disappear." (Who would disappear? The tree, the mother and child. As the visitor is being stabbed and buried, it seems redundant to state that they disappeared. "So if you ever climb up that mountain, and see the comfy cottage with a mother and a child playing, run. Because no matter how much time passed, it will always stay the same." You tried to work in the title at the very end, but it needs more elaboration. Do the mother/child never age and that is why it stays the same? There also should be more elaboration on the tree/entity. Why does it demand people. (I assume with the mention of fat, it is for sustenance, but then why is the mother feeding it given her waspish response to the tree? The story has a lot of issues and feels really rushed and not well thought out. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 00:11, January 22, 2015 (UTC)